I spent the last week alternately super in love with Tahiti and the kind people here, and simultaneously being devastatingly lonely and depressed. Edgy. Panicky. Icky. 

I had an epiphany yesterday that got me unstuck. I can’t really verbalize what it was though. Something like, it’s hard, it will continue to be hard. If I had a choice I would still choose this life every time. Spend more time with children because they make you happy. Spend more time giving instead of getting so you can stop focusing on yourself all the damn time. This is a god given, fantastic and useful opportunity. So do it. be humble. Nows the time not to “grow up” necessarily but to evolve. Dummy.

I dined on amazing sashimi with Pepe in the marketplace and played 4 games of chess. I lost every time. 

I walked home and I met and had a great time with the Eurotrash aboard the Jersey.  Christophe Sepot has his own show in Belgium called “Around the World in 80 Dates.” I had my eye on him from the start in the morning but even though he flirts with me, I know that I scare him. American girls are so rough. Especially me.

We drank all the booze and walked to Bora Bora Lounge at midnight.. We karaoke sang “we are the world” with the entire bar. Standing and holding hands with literally everybody. Fucking weird. 
So I was feeling a little better today, until….

Let me tell you about my iPod. I can’t live without my iPod. I can live without absolutely everything else except this one thing. I had two iPods, bought from Jimbo…already full of music from a friend of his. One flew out of my bike basket on my bike tour across Canada as readers of my blog will know. I totally lost it and spent the most of the day crying and biking at the same time for the remainder of the route to Montréal. I have written pages about whoever this person was. All of my favorite nostalgia is on the iPod, and everything that is new to me, I love. Whoever originally owned and stocked this iPod needs to be my best friend. I’ve tried to get Jimbo to tell me who it could have belonged to before him, but to no avail. When we ere underway between Hawaii and Tahiti, I spent whole days creating masterful playlists. I adore this iPod. It is my comfort, my friend, my motivation. It gets me to exercise every day. It puts me to sleep at night. It keeps me company on night watches. I’ve lost a few iPods like is before, and it’s been absolutely devastating every time.

I have successfully taken every precaution to keep the iPod from getting wet. I’ve babied the thing. But yesterday, after it charged, it must have been wiped clean somehow. 

….and I found today that my bank cards have been shut off for no reason whatsoever and without communication by Wells Fargo even though I had told them about my FP  travels. And I can’t turn them back on because I can’t call internationally because they put me on hold for hours and I don’t have money to buy minutes to put on my phone to have them turn my fucking cards back on. Even if I Did have money, there is no card with enough minutes to sit on hold forever waiting for customer service. Fuck you bank. Catch 22. 

There’s no words. My loneliness is compounded and I have no access to funds. So. 

I returned to the boat crying and Debbie, my captains girlfriend/ex wife/weird thing checked on me. My captain has lied to her about the whole situation surrounding my presence on the boat because she doesn’t want him to have a woman on the boat. My captain talks non stop shit about her when she is gone, he treats her like shit, he lies to her about all his other girlfriends. And I noticed on her luggage, she still uses his last name. She needs to dump the motherfucker so badly but I just keep my mouth shut. He made me lie to her and tell her some story about how I have just only recently become his crew. She is threatened by me. She’s obviously a woman who has deferred to men her whole life and is uncomfortable with other women. I feel sorry for her. Anyway, she checked on me to see if I was alright. I told her what happened and she suggested that it’s time for me to go home. I just sat there dumbstruck not knowing what I could possibly say. 

and so now i just have to remind myself to keep going.