4o hours til flight

I’m about to get on the plane soon and I’m terrified.

It isn’t my first or my last giant leap into the unknown, but each time, I’ve fallen into a paralyzed panic 24 hours prior to leaving.

I had to bail on yoga. Which would have probably helped but I just couldn’t. 

I’m currently lying paralyzed in bed which is my usual MO before a big trip, debating taking my new as needed Xanax script or not.


It only took 3 weeks. Huzzah!

Sailing with ebooks

Makes more sense than lugging a suitcase full of hard copies on board. I’ve traveled with a suitcase of books before. At the time, it was absolutely necessary, but it was also heavy and awkward.

Ive never read an ebook before. I’ve started to download all the podcasts and ebooks I could ever want. There are enough uncopyrighted books out there that I should get a full satisfying library without having to pay for anything. So I’ve spent the entire morning downloading erotic romance novels, adventure stories, and historic classics. 

I used theses lists as a guide:

NatGeos 100 greatest adventure stories 

Boston Globes seven books about sailing 

Goodreads best books with or about sailing 

Amazons some of the greatest sailing adventures of all time 

I downloaded Moby Dick, everything Tolstoy ever wrote, “roughing it” and “the decay of the art of lying” by mark twain, everything Thoreau ever wrote, journals of James Cook, Jack London, and Joshua Slocum. I downloaded “the worst journey in the world” and “two years before the mast” both of which I’m especially excited about. I downloaded “farthest north” about the man who ventured to the highest latitude ever. I downloaded some yoga and ab exercise guides. I got some books about pirates. And then, of course, a handful of cheap erotic romance novels. And updated my podcast library. All free.

It gives me the feeling of readiness.

I know a thing or two

I have been into this sailing thing for over a year now. For two months straight, my shelter was on a boat. The land was the place to go for day trips. The land was the place where I was nauseous and dizzy. I sailed across the Caribbean through storms on a broke sailboat with a small crew and no diesel. 

I gave a workshop on sailing in my hometown last week. Why the fick do the male landlubbers get all condescending when they find that I’m a sailor? Why are they quizzing me on boat stuff as if I’m a liar or a fake? 

For the same reason that when I lived in Spain, the men at the harbor laughed at me when I told them I was looking for a crew job to work on a boat. They told me I should be stewardess instead.

They can all walk the plank.

On being a lady who inherently matters in the micro sense…. And acknowledging that nothing matters in the macro sense.

“Most of my life has been spent trying to shrink myself. Trying to become smaller. Quieter. Less sensitive. Less opinionated. Less needy. Less me. Because I didn’t want to be a burden. I didn’t want to be too much or push people [men] away. I wanted people [men] to like me. I wanted to be cared for and valued. I wanted to be wanted. So for years, I sacrificed myself for the sake of making other people [men] happy. And for years, I suffered. But I’m tired of suffering, and I’m done shrinking. It’s not my job to change who I am in order to become someone else’s [a man’s] idea of a worthwhile human being. I am worthwhile. Not because other people [men] think I am, but because I exist, and therefore I matter. My thoughts matter. My feelings matter. My voice matters. And with or without anyone’s permission or approval, I will continue to be who I am and speak my truth. Even if it makes people [men] angry. Even if it makes them uncomfortable. Even if they choose to leave. I refuse to shrink. I choose to take up space. I choose to honor my feelings. I choose to give myself permission to get my needs met. I choose to make self-care a priority. I choose me.”

— Daniell Koepke